Today our oldest daughter should have celebrated her 22nd birthday. Instead, this is her 3rd birthday that she has been an angel since her death by suicide in Feb. 2017. We, as a family will gather later this long weekend and celebrate her birth they way we always have, with a pool party/bbq. We will eat her favourite foods, share fond memories and and feel her spirit there with us. Leading up to this day, however, I have been plagued with “should be” thoughts. Confused? Let me explain….
For the first 2 years after our daughter’s death my mind constantly dragged me into what I call, “The IF Zone”. Thoughts of what if she did not die, what if she was here for this event (like her cousins’ weddings or the birth of her cousin’s baby), and the always present what if I could see/feel/hug her just one more time. This kind of thinking brings to light the kind of double-edged sword that a parents lives after the death of their child. Each and every happen event or holiday, for them as individuals, is as sad as it is happy. For example, the day of my beautiful niece’s wedding I was so amazing proud of our 2 younger daughters who stood as flower girls and I was so incredibly happy for both her and our new nephew. At the same time, however, I was heartbroken at the reality that we will never have this experience with our oldest daughter. I have resigned myself that this is part of the new reality my life has become. But, I do regress, somewhat, from the “what if’s”. I have noticed that during this second year I have noticed a shift from this mode of thinking.
Recently I have found myself mentally saying, “We should be……” or “She should be….” when thinking about life events such as weddings, babies, university convocations, etc… Most of our daughter’s friends have convocated from their undergrad degree this year. Some are continuing on to post-graduate programs, planning weddings, moving……you get the idea; taking the next steps in their lives. So as my niece spoke of her last year before going on to Teacher’s College, as my nephew turned 20 (now officially older than she was when she died) my thoughts have flipped to, “She should be looking at beginning her Master’s in Physio” or “We should be teasing her about being the next one in the family to be getting engaged and married.” I have wondered why my mind has made this shift and wonder if it is significant. The short answer is, “I have no idea”. I may simply be rambling on as the only person to ever experience this shift in their thinking or it may be just another piece of this grief journey that has no rules and no tour-guide.
Today it came to mind that maybe, just maybe, this subtle shift in my thinking means that I have reached a level of acceptance that my “What ifs” will never be possible and now I am looking toward the future instead of wishing I could live in the past.
Maybe my acceptance that my Sunshine will always be with me in spirit, my Spirit-daughter I could call her, has allowed me to release my “death-grip” need to feel/hear/see her physical presence in order to keep her in my present. You see, over the last 2 1/2 years she has shown us, in SO many ways, that she is always with us; heart-shaped rocks and leaves, butterflies, cardinals and her more unique tricks such as flicking lights quickly (even when the light was turned off!!) and tapping us on a shoulder. She was a true believer of spirits who have moved on being able to communicate with loved ones here in our physical form. When anyone asks, I tell them that I know she is with me 100%!
So what does this all mean?! I am not sure, but, I know that I feel different. Will my double-edged sword be less sharp? No way and I would never want that sword to become dull. It is just part of the deal when we become parents. We love unconditionally for as long as we live, not just as long as our child(ren) live. I don’t remember who first said this but the deeper you love someone the deeper you grieve when they die. Well, my love for our daughter continues to grow each and every day so my grief will continue to deepen. And you know what? I am okay with that. ♥
2mommiesof3 